One step closer

My feelings… raw.

Infertility.

 A word that is so misunderstood. And confuses a lot of people. The truth? It’s a disease. And the cause can be so many different reasons…

Back in the day, if you couldn't have children people didn't question it. No one talked about it. It was a taboo subject that everyone turned their head and ignored. That was that.

No one talked to me about infertility. I grew up my whole life thinking that you were supposed to get married and have babies… it is supposed to be a natural thing. When I got married I checked off that goal from my list. I knew what my next goal was… and if you know me at all…

 I was so excited.
So when something wonderful happened and I got pregnant, My. Heart. Soared! Everything I had ever wanted in life was coming together. I did it right. I got married and now it was time to be a mommy.
Then a confusing doctor’s visit, excruciating pain, the ER, and poof… the life inside me was gone. My innocent baby was gone. All it left was scars… emotionally and physically.

My heart broke.
I felt like no one understood. I couldn't explain how I felt. I kept to myself, it seemed easier.
this happened to me twice, each time my chances of bringing our baby into this world the “natural” way were becoming smaller and smaller.
I got really low. I avoided anything that had to do with babies or even children.

 I was angry and bitter.
How was it fair that these teenagers were popping out babies like it was going out of style and I had to stand on the sidelines and watch.
I couldn't even be around my pregnant friends… I put on a brave face and tried so hard to be happy for them… on the inside my heart was shattered. It strained and even ruined some friendships. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't go to baby showers. I couldn't look at Facebook announcements without crying my eyes out.

 Now imagine feeling all that and putting a smile on your face to hide the pain day after day, week after week, month after month & in many cases year after year.

It has taken me three years to get to where I am now. No, I’m not completely ok. I still have my moments, and with Mother’s Day quickly approaching, it is hard to stand on the sidelines and watch. For the past couple of years I have tried to put my focus on my own mother… while we have our differences, I love her. And I am grateful for all of the sacrifices and the support.
I await the day when I can hear that heart beat through the monitors and know that it is my baby. That my children will know how much I love them and how I have been not so patiently waiting to hold them in my arms.

I know that I will cry… probably all day… on Mother’s Day. So if you see me… don’t pity me. Don’t apologize. Just hug me. Tell me that you love me. my heart is aching. I just need to know that I’m not alone. My heart is still broken. It aches. Sometimes I don’t even want to get out of bed. But I know that I have to move forward, so I do. I know that even though I don’t understand why and I feel broken, I’m not done fighting. I will be brave and I will not let ANYTHING stop me from bringing my children to this earth. Yes, I have to seek help to get them here. But I am not ashamed. I will not be silent. I will do everything in my power to educate and raise awareness for this disease called infertility